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After years of working in the conflict management field in both corporate and government settings I have seen people consistently make three common mistakes that tend to make a conflict worse. This article looks at these three mistakes and explains the problems they can create.

I see people make three common mistakes when they are in a conflict: They make the other person the problem, they make decisions while in an imbalanced personal state and they get stuck arguing for a single solution.

1) They make the other person the problem. I hear this mistake when people say things like, “You are not listening to me.” “You’re being irresponsible.” “You don’t care.” “You are not working hard enough.” Typically each person in a conflict makes the other person the real problem; “if you would just….”

The demand is for the other person to do something they are not doing or to be someone they are not being. The mistake is believing that by getting them to change their mind, attitude, or behavior and agree with you, the conflict would be over. We are only having a conflict because the other person is being stubborn, emotional, unreasonable, etc.

2) They drop into an imbalanced personal state. Some people become very emotional and some become very intellectual when they are in a conflict. I have a tendency to become very intellectual when I am in a conflict. This gets in the way of me making a good decision until I get back into balance.

Healthy decision making comes out of a balance between our intellect and our emotions. It is not a good idea to force anyone to make a decision from within an imbalanced personal state. When we make decision out of imbalance we tend to make choices we regret later.

3) They get stuck on a single solution. Everyone comes to a conflict with a single solution in mind. The problem is getting stuck on this single solution. When people do this they tend to demand things that really do not meet their needs. There is more than one way to meet a need and when people set stuck on a single solution they loose sight of what the conflict is really about are begin to fight for balancing the scales of justice.

Their solution is what will bring justice and if that solution is not obtained then justice will have failed. Unfortunately, such solutions end up being punishments and typically end up having no lasting satisfaction.

I see these mistakes all the time. I can assure you making these mistakes will not make your conflict impossible to resolve. The work I do helping people resolve conflict is mostly applying techniques and skills to get around these three mistakes. While these mistakes are very very common, all is not lost.

There are good techniques conflict managers can utilize to neutralize them. If you are the one practicing these mistakes, there is hope for you. You too can learn resolution skills that can keep you from getting stuck within these three common conflict mistakes.